Odd Thomas

its past 12 midnight and i was planning on sleeping early however after what happened i decided to turn my computer back on and write how i am feeling right now. we had another big fight, unfortunately. and it ended up again hanging the phone down feeling so disappointed, everytime he hangs up the phone to let the heat cool down i always hope that no matter how late it is that he'd call me back and say can we work things out? but sad to say, he never did that for me. From one fight to another i always tried to extend efforts to work things up, i even tried throwing some hints for him to realize that this is just one of our senseless arguement. he failed to see those efforts and when he says lets talk some other time its gonna happen. so more often im the one who gives in and give some extra effort to patch things up. im scared to accept the fact that i am sad. after he put the phone down i still hold on to it hoping that he'd pick it up and talk. but after clinging to it for minutes and hearing the beeping sound it made me realize how silly of me to hold on to something i know will never work. i do not blame him for whatever sadness it is im feeling right now, i am the one who put myself in this situation and i am the one who wanted to wait for the right time to be together. he worry too much about what will happen in the future than working things out for the present. i remember once he said, his scared to invest to much emotion, time and effort not knowing what will happen to our future, i in the other hand was trying all my best for the present to work. i know i put him in an odd situation where we dont get to see each other, i told him my reasons and i really thought he understand. probably his not up to it, or it was too much for him to bare that his loving someone he cant get to see whenever he pleases. i admire how he can leave thing as it is, i admire how he can just let thing pass and to left things unsaid. for now, i just dont have the guts to ignore him, to ignore how i feel and how he might react. again, i found myself in the edge of the cliff ready to fall wishing i'd hit rock bottom so i could stop this loneliness and feel a little numb just enough to help me get through the night without feeling sorry for myself that i again is broken.